who named him groot and not spruce lee
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*