You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.