Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.