In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
yall want some gasoline milk
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
These work great until they don’t.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.