Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My work here is don’t.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence