What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!