I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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No. He’s not coming out to play
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud