I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.