Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.