My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
sugar glider wrangler
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
me linking you to my twitter
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED