Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Nose
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”