Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
my friends when i can’t do basic math