I love you…
…r dog.
You Might Also Like
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.