The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
They must have gotten it to go.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?