I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Perfect
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
This took me a second..
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!