If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
When you’ve simply given up.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything