If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
*jazz hands*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.