Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.