Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
what’s the point then??
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel