“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.