The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
When does CPR become necrophilia?