ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.