Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My dating profile:
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined