Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
October already? What’s next? November????
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found