The point of your 20s
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
This guy gets it.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
ibopfufen
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.