I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
What’s this sorcery? 😂
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*