my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
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Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.