Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Just as the prophecy foretold
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore