OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
🍛
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.