Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.