dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.