RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.