1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
You Might Also Like
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher