every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I’m going to need a moment here.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
They’re not wrong
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?