If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Hotels are back
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here