waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
some things should go without saying
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it