My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH