I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
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For the baby who has everything
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Mhm.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter