Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
You Might Also Like
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you