You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Unimpressed