Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
You Might Also Like
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
In case you needed to hear it:
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either