TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Smooooooth
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme