I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Sorry not sorry.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Peace was never an option
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit