[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You Might Also Like
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.