Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I put the p in pants.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
the Monday after daylight savings
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah