Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Someone just threatened to call me later
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.