I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”