My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?