Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.