I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.